DG0409

Well, I feel like I'm a wreck.

Had a serious talk with bf last night. I think he'll be moving out soon. I'm second guessing myself a lot now. I know with him, he probably will be pretty quick about moving now that he's decided and I don't know how to face that.

Then I start thinking about the things I'll miss and wonder if I didn't try hard enough, if I should have done something different.

We haven't made any definite decisions other than him moving out. I know he's still open to staying together or trying to work out something. It's hard for me to just say, "I don't want you in my life". It wouldn't even be true. We've been together a long time and he's a really good friend in many ways- it's hard to imagine my life with him.

On the flip side, we've both been miserable, and I can't see continuing things as they've been. As much as I want to hold on, I'm not sure there is any way to continue contact that would really make us both happy.

I'm not sure where things are going. I'm scared. I hurt a lot. It all feels surreal. I feel like I'm at super high risk for some sort of slip or relapse. I'd love to just get drunk or high or both right now. One part of me knows it wouldn't help, but it's definitely been in my thoughts and I know that's not a good thing. It's really hard to think about focusing on my recovery while I'm an emotional wreck.

We talked last night and I couldn't get to sleep afterward. I was up until almost 5 this morning. It's really hard to just be with my thoughts and feelings.

I know I need to go back to basics when it comes to recovery. So, first off is a commitment not to drink or do drugs for today.

I need to stay close to SR and force myself to keep eating regularly- I found myself skipping meals yesterday and I know that is not a good place. Low blood sugar just makes it so much harder to think straight and be stable emotionally.

Then it's time to fall back on healthy outlets- drums, walks/jogging or working out, writing on here, doing chores or yard work to stay busy, reaching out and finding people to talk to, etc.

This is really hard. I have to remember where making serious relationship decisions while drunk/high got me in the past. It never made things better. I made bad decisions and I paid the price later. Those days I spent drinking rum and smoking cigarettes all day long in the garage after my last break-up are not days I want to repeat. Days when sometimes I didn't even have a shower.

Wherever my life is going, as long as I'm clean and sober, there is no way I can make as much of a mess out of it as I have in the past. It's hard dealing with the uncertainty of it all. I can't see into the future and see how things would be if I made this decision or that decision.