Originally Posted by
lillamy 
I'm not an ACOA, but my children are. I usually post in the Friends & Family of Alcoholics section, but I wanted to pick your brains over here a bit about how growing up with an alcoholic parent has affected your relationships -- with friends as well as partners.
I think part of the answer is probably similar to what I as a codependent ex-wife see in myself (trust issues, not always able to identify red flags) but I believe some things are unique to having grown up with an alcoholic parents.
So here's what I see in and hear from my kids (all teens):
"She doesn't have any other friends and I want to prove to her that she is worthy of having friends, that she's a sweet person, and that people can love her."
"Everyone else hates her and calls her a b***h but she's not, and I want people to see that."
What I see is my children choosing relationships and friendships with other broken people. My daughter says "I feel good about myself when I can help someone else" -- even though it affects her negatively.
Can you tell me about your friendships/relationships, and what you have done to overcome whatever tendencies you may have or have had to get into codependent/dysfunctional relationships?
The bolded items above really resonate me and I just ended a 10-year friendship with someone who fits that mold. I'm in ACA and reading the BRB helped me realize the dynamics of my relationship with this person. Thing is, people don't like her for a reason - she's rude, she has not brain-mouth filter, she argues about everything, she always has to be right, she is insulting, she is self-absorbed, she blames everyone else for her problems, she bullies/belittles/badgers people. I always gave her a pass because of her dysfunctional upbringing. But in so doing, I allowed her to hurt me over the years and I never stood up for myself. Finally I had enough when she didn't support me in my own sobriety and instead pressured me to drink with her. That was the last straw.
I encourage you to help your daughters really explore why they choose the friends they do. I, too, never felt like I was "good enough" to be friends with "normal" people, so I chose friends who were "damaged" in some way. That made me feel like I was doing something good for them, yet at the the same time I was undermining my own value.
This is not to say that damaged people don't deserve compassion, heck, everyone is damaged in one way or another. But if her friends are people who don't treat others well, it would help your daughter to learn skills to really stand up for herself and not allow herself to be bullied or used or taken advantage of in the name of "friendship" that is really one-sided.