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Old 03-27-2014, 08:48 AM
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Join Date: Mar 2014
Posts: 25
Revisiting childhood abuse and neglect.

When we are abused as children we don't really understand that until we are adults and have ah-ha moments. I understand the contorted looks on extended family or family friends differently. I realize now that the expectation of my parents were designed to place us in harms way in a way they would not feel responsible. There is the sad truth that children take far longer to raise than a mentally ill parent can muster. We are left with a lifetime of adrenaline rushes and re-evaluating a terrible moment in the light of today.

I have been talking regularly with my sister for a few years. She is 100% disabled and considered delusional. I think of it as the PTSD because there is a traumatic event but it's a shattering event. So she slips from talking about reality to manufacturing event that help other people understand how terrified she felt. I will tell her where I was sitting, what I remember, and we try to tap our spiritual resources to continue to find love and mercy.

When I was young I was afraid if I didn't cry I would loose my ability to feel anything. It seemed like there is a world full of people who are OK and I can't let them see me cry. There's the worry that reliving an event is traumatizing and will just drive the adrenaline and unhealthy self-validation. There the realization that the mentally ill loved one is still mentally ill and attempting to protect their coping mechanisms. The mentally ill parents still wants to hurt you. I don't want to spend a few days feeling sick from the adrenaline rush.

The is a certain reward from recognizing how people did help, even though I didn't appreciate it. Helping kids in bad situations is really hard. I think being stuck at the library and reading about people who overcame obstacles helped me. I've found the strength to read my father's memoir, he died 20 years ago. It helps to realize that his thinking was fractured. I'm beginning to realize how influenced I was by good people who happened to be there.

I've been struggling with the verse of the 23 psalm that goes, "He leads me in the path of righteousness for his name sake." Because we always feel righteous, even if we are wrong. The closest I can come to understanding that verse is we need feedback from reality to grow. I think today's reality is the point because you can't fix the past. Only in today's world, can you pray for God's guidance and give your trust.
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