JustAGirl1971

I do the same, lillamy. I did it as a kid and I do it now. To be honest, I really hadn't thought much about it until I saw your question. There are several reasons that I do this. One is because I want to help them, good codependent that I am (as your dd says though she likely doesn't recognize the codependency in the friendship.) Another reason is that I don't feel like I belong with the 'normal' people. Even as a kid, I recognized that I didn't belong with the 'cool kids.' I couldn't verbalize why I felt that way, I just knew that I felt that way. Now I understand that it's insecurity. Not feeling like I'm 'good enough' for the "blonde girls in the skinny jeans with uggs." I feel like they'll reject me if they know me; therefore, I have to reject them first. Protecting myself from further hurt. Finally, the 'rejects' make me feel better about myself: "See, my problems aren't as bad as hers."

Honestly? I still really struggle with this. I'm in a group with several other women who you could classify as the "cool kids." I struggle with authenticity. I hold back from the group... then feel like I don't belong (when how can you belong when you're presenting them with a facade?) This is just another long list of my ACoA traits that I am/will be working on in al-anon and therapy.

My children also struggle with this. Especially dd14. She has held onto a friend who was verbally abusive to her, another who stole from her, and others who were frankly kind of scary to me. It makes me sad for her and angry at STBXAH... and angry at myself for not leaving sooner and not getting help for myself sooner. She's in therapy.... and is thisclose to agreeing to alateen. Next year, she will be attending a small charter that is not cliquey. I'm so hoping she's able to make some good, lasting friendships there.