As my AH prepares to find his own place through our separation I have been drowning in fear over my finances.
Due to AH crazy finances it was hard to really make a budget and stick to it. Money was always being shuffled around, taken out of joint account for 'business' and not returned, poor spending habits, etc. I know when my checks are coming in but they are never steady because of the nature of my work. Some months it's next to nothing and some months it is enough to last the next few moths. But we always lives week to week with many late payments when there should have been money for it. There was so much uncertainty and stress.
Yesterday I decided to face the fear head on and pull up all the accounts for the past few months to get an idea of how to budget my income living as a single parent. Facing the fear was awesome!!
It's not as bad as I thought. I can easily pay the rent and my bills for the next 6 months with my projected income. It feels so good to know my money will be in my account, under my control and I will be secure if I stick to my budget. It's going to be tight and I know future clients will come my way just like they always do.
I would rather live on a tight budget and be in control of it than live with the complete financial craziness that has been my marriage.
PLUS I just realized I no longer have to pay his back taxes, back payments for child support and all the other money problems I was "helping" with due to HIS consequences of HIS addiction that were present before we even met! So freeing. He has been really manipulating my fear of finances with his departure. I keep hearing 'this isn't fair, you are putting me into survival mode on the streets with no money. You wouldn't do this to a person you say you love'
Actually.....AH you put yourself there with your irresponsible behavior.
I am still working on the resentment I feel for using ALL of our savings for his last round of rehab. It still stings. But I am sitting in it and will move past it eventually.
BUT It's always nice to face fears, find the positive consequences and keep on keepin on
