I went, he did show up, he looked hungover and in my friends estimation looked like an idiot bc he scarfed down the kids food and just sat offering NO help at all and not interacting with any of the other adults except one other dad who is the spouse of a friend of mine and one of xAH's drinking buddies...
I was a mess until the morning of the party and thank god for my best friend who talked me down from the ledge and told me that the best revenge would be for me to go and be charming and confident and not react to anything he might do.
I didn't think I could do it but she came early and was there with me to set up when he showed up and kind of was my buffer.
She is a new ish friend (since this fall) who I got to be friends with because of xAH slandering me to her and her ex husband who he's friends with. She approached me and said "here's what I have heard and want to give you the respect to ask you if it's true". So I laid the truth out and it turns out she has a mom with BPD just like me, her boys and my girls have become fast friends and we are going on vacation together this summer she and I and the kids...
So, I am eternally grateful to her and to you all for encouraging me to stand up to him by being strong...
I wish he hadn't been there, I was nervous as all get out but I did it... And my dd had a great party