Hello carmen, I'm very sorry you have been through so much. You do not deserve any of it.
Originally Posted by
carmen220 
Hawkeye, I know it must seem like I'm going "back for more", but truly, I just keep hoping for the best; to enjoy the good moments and pray that maybe things can work out and he'll stop.
I realize sometimes that being inside of a relationship is a whole different perspective than those of us have who are looking at it from the outside. Hope is not a plan. My apologies for being so blunt, but continuing to accept unacceptable behavior believing that something will work out when it never has in the past is perhaps naive at best.
Originally Posted by carmen220
I start to question myself, wondering whether I'm too sensitive or can't take a joke. then I get mad that I'm questioning myself, because the so-called joke WAS mean. Then I find myself asking you guys, "is he really being mean" or is it me? If he's trying to make me doubt myself, his tactic is working (somewhat). I DO know that his alcoholism is at the center of everything and I have to remember that.
What so many of us see very clearly is that he is mean. He is being purposefully mean, controlling, manipulative, condescending, and hateful to you. It has nothing to do with your being overly sensitive. This is real. This is who he is.
Originally Posted by carmen220
Still, I keep wondering why he would choose to use this insult. He knows that I love family and that I am family oriented (even though I've lost most of my small family). So, he knows my sensitivities. But I keep asking myself why? why be mean to someone that has loved and cared about you? He knows that I want the drinking to stop. maybe that's an insult to his best friend (alcohol) and that's a reason to lash back at me.
I believe he is mean because he can be. Because there are no consequences. Because you continue to stay no matter how verbally abusive he becomes. I fear his behavior will escalate.
I believe he is mean because he is a sick man, and it is not your responsibility to fix him or make him fulfill his potential.
I believe that you are worthy of love and respect, and that you have the skills to help yourself. I hope and pray that someday you will realize and fully understand that you deserve much better treatment.
Sending many hugs and prayers for brighter days ahead. Please do not hesitate to come here and vent away all that you need.