Grief and guilt
My mother-in-law is expected to pass any day. It's been on my mind for weeks and since finding this forum, in my search to help my partner through the loss of his mother, I feel overwhelmed with grief and guilt.
I was angry with her, for a while. She has 2 grandchildren than she was unable to see much as she was often too drunk to get to see them herself, 2 children that try to avoid her for the most part and she has spent the past 15 years slowly de-constructing her life and alienating people.
But now, all I can think about is how lovely she has been to me. I was caught up in my partner's resentment and took her presence for granted. She was an alcoholic when I first met her and I suppose I didn't really consider that it would ever come to this, for some reason.
She has always been so kind to me. Welcomed me in to her life with open arms, championed and supported me in parenting choices... there's never been a bad word between us. I wish I'd tried harder, wish I'd realised that I was lucky in many ways. I know I couldn't have changed things and I always appreciated that she could have been an amazing grandmother and mother-in-law without the drink. I just feel such terrible guilt and sadness.
I know she was always very anxious and I think this is part of what led her to alcoholism in the end. But she is a wonderful, genuine person and I am just so sad. She is now sleeping and unaware of time when she wakes, but until recently she was afraid and remorseful. I feel devastated for her.
I know this isn't about me and I am 100% thinking about my partner and helping him through this. But I don't know how to get past the guilt now that it is too late.