The encouragement that I receive here at SR is just wonderful! I have a feeling I will be leaning on you all in the very near future. I must admit as excited as I am to have this time away from my AH I am also a little nervous about how I will handle the upcoming changes. I'm not worried about being away from my AH but I am nervous about starting a new work schedule which starts tomorrow (night shift) and how I will deal with taking care of all three dogs on my own. My AH works beside of our home so we don't always crate the two younger ones because he can come over here frequently to let them out. Since my shifts are 12 hours long I will be gone 13-14 hours when I work. That's a long time to have dogs crated or to have them loose in the house. I know I will figure it out. I'm glad my new schedule will start before my AH leaves to start his home confinement.
I know that my AH is using again. I had my suspicions the last few weeks (I don't think they ever really go away actually) but as of lately I now know that he is in fact using again. Of course I'm disappointed, but not surprised. What has bothered me just as much as knowing this is his behavior. We recently got our tax returns back and decided to split the money in half. That seemed fair to me since I make more money than him but I worked a lot less this past year than I typically do. After deciding this he tried to convince me to let him have an additional $200 so that he could pay off a credit card. I asked him what purchases were on that credit card and he said Christmas presents. I said I didn't think it was fair to ask me to pay for Christmas presents that he had bought me or his family. I paid for all of my own family members presents as well as a couple of his and I bought him a good bit as well. It may sound selfish but I just couldn't do it. I have an outstanding medical bill of my own that I need to pay off. So we split the money in half. I found out yesterday when I got the mail that he had ordered a set of silver dollars! Then he went to the mall last night after work to buy a new play station game that he wanted. It's decisions like these that make me say what the heck have I gotten myself into??? I know he still owes his parents money for his lawyer along with the upcoming home confinement fees.
More and more I am leaning toward permanently separating. While I hate the idea of going through a divorce and figuring out my living situation, I also can't see continuing to live the way I've been living. We don't have a marriage anymore and we both know it. We are more like roommates. I get so nervous when I think about what I will do when this break of ours is over but I remind myself that is more than 2 months away and I can only deal with one thing at a time. I'm continuing to learn more at my new job and that has really given me some confidence and pride in myself. My sister and I have gotten closer too. I am going to get my hair cut today and use a gift certificate to buy some new uniforms for work
I'm really looking forward to the haircut because the lady who cuts my hair is also married to an addict, she recently left him. It's always so nice to be able to talk to someone else who understands addiction. Thanks for listening to my rant SR friends it's so nice to just vent sometimes!