lillamy

That's not an ultimatum. That's a boundary. You're telling him where your boundary is: You don't want to have a relationship with an alcoholic. What he does with that information is up to him. You're not badgering or nagging him into anything. You're simply telling him what you will and won't do, and leaving it up to him how he will process and react to that information.

That said -- you're not enforcing the boundary you set up. You told him you will not have a relationship with him as long as he's drinking. You told him you wanted him to move his stuff to his mom's. And then you didn't follow through. To an addict, this means "I can string her along and tell her I will do thus and such, and never follow through, and she won't kick me out."

I had a very calm, serious talk with the alcoholic I was married to. I told him his drinking was affecting the family in a very negative way, and that I would not stay married to an alcoholic. He laughed at me, told me he could quit any time, that I was delusional, and I just walked off.

When I eventually DID leave him, he was angry at me for not "giving him a chance to show" that he could get sober. I asked him about the talk we had had. He said he didn't remember it. Which means -- words meant nothing to him.

The chances that counseling makes someone stop drinking? I wouldn't bet a paycheck on it. If he has an experienced counselor, who at the first appointment says "You need to check yourself into rehab, you need to not drink, and you need to go to 90 AA meetings in 90 days" I'd say that's a good counselor. What your ABF does with it is still up to him.

I'm a real flippin' Eeoyore when it comes to addicts and their words. I think I would want to see more action before going back on the "you need to move out." I'd like to see a long stretch of sobriety -- 12-18 months -- before even considering having him move back in.