Originally Posted by
Praying 
Now, it's the agony of meeting myself and my life without the denial, more every day. Looking in the mirror and accepting every new piece that's unveiled. Wondering what happened to the last 20 years and how I got here. Hoping to shed the last bits of the nightmare and unable to because of the kids. It's a whole different level of agony, because while I wasn't drinking or drugging with my A, I realize was still quite numb for a very long time. Can I say OUCH? And this is only about me, so there's no pretending to hide.
I can relate to this, Praying. Only, I can extend it to my whole life... starting in my childhood as the child of a workaholic/alcoholic father and a codependent mother. This past year, I feel like the denial that I've lived with my whole life has been stripped away, layer by layer. Each layer, I think I'm finally at the final truth... only to find another layer of denial. Like LifeRecovery said, I'm having to rebuild my foundation brick by brick. I've said many times this past year that I feel like the roadmap of my life was turned upside down and I can't reorient myself because it just keeps shifting
Some days I can't help thinking how much easier it would be to go back to living in denial and numbness
I understand why our alcoholics would choose that! I have a lot of non-A family members who choose to stay in the denial and dysfunction because it's
easier to numb yourself than fix yourself. But, then, I look at where I've been, where I am, and where I want to be and I know that I'm on the right track. I've stopped thinking about the recovery process as a temporary thing. It's not. It's a new, permanent way of living and evolving. That takes the pressure off of me to feel like I'm 'not where I should be' or 'haven't made enough progress yet.'
Hugs, Praying. I think you're doing great
