Hi and welcome karmapuhlease - you'll find a lot of advice support and understanding here.
I'm sorry for what happened to you in the past. A lot of us here understand how deep those wounds can be, but I really hope you will find a way to deal with that and not give into self destruction.
I'm sureyou know as I do drink and drugs solve nothing, and they serve only to keep the wounds fresh and raw.
You deserve to live without pain and fear
Have you considered any kind of counselling at all KarmaPuhlease?
D