Congratulations on 34 days, youngLadySober; well done. I hear you and I feel for you. The thing is - for alcoholics, drinking in moderation or occasionally simply doesn't work. We might be successful once or twice but the downward spiral almost always quickly follows and at an alarming pace. With that downward spiral often comes the reality that those special occasions have become nightmares we cannot easily forget.
Stick with it; it does get easier; I swear to you, sobriety can be absolutely amazing.