I am so with you right now, I wish you weren't hurting like this. My ex did the same to me. Pretending like he was looking up homeless shelters on his phone and such, poor thing I was such a meany to tell him he had to go away... Its one last manipulation I think. He probably has somewhere in mind and he is probably fine.
I can't make it feel better, I can't take away the pain for you, but I am going through it too and its literally sucking the life right out of me, I completely understand how you feel and its awful. I shudder to think how it would be if he came back, but then since he has not and has dropped off the planet far as I know, its KILLING ME. So...its a catch 22. I want him gone, but I want the old him with me. Its the most horrible thing I have ever experienced, and I honestly have no clue what I am doing. Whole days pass and I realize I have accomplished nothing. Other days I am rushing about trying to keep busy and not think. I dunno why I cannot get past him, I dunno what it is about him that has me so hooked, it is clear I am better off without him. Yesterday I was painting and I swear I smelled him. I have no idea why or what, but I just stood stock still for a few minutes, trying to catch it again. The yearning in me was so damn strong. And then I snapped back to reality and thought, oh god, just what would I do with him if he was here? Like it would magically be better...it would be a nightmare. So I dunno what it is. I don't understand it at all.
The finality of it is scary, but I don't think its because you are alone, maybe its because suddenly all of this is out of your control, (not that it was in control before) but now its up to him to get clean. All you can do is let go and no longer try to fix or help, etc. I'm so sorry you are hurting. I know how it feels, those deep belly racking sobs. When you cry and there are no tears left, and your head hurts, your sinuses are all clogged, and you feel like a limp dishrag after crying so much. The numbness where you just cannot think anymore, and so you sit, empty and lost. But, I know, from my own hurting, that it does slowly ease. It never fades, least mine hasn't, but the moments where you can breathe and set your mind to other things do grow more frequent. Right now you don't have to DO anything. You don't have to talk to anyone, no need to rush out and pile up the friends. Sometimes after the storm we have to just take a little bit to clear our head. It really really really helps to write, for me anyway. Sometimes I don't even properly write, I just write stream of consciousness. Sit down and just write the words you are feeling. Don't worry about full sentences even, just write what is in your head. Its very therapeutic. Later on, you will read it back and see yourself making progress. Nothing is wrong with you, you are human. Don't fight the tears, they really do help.