Brolynbub

I have no idea what is wrong with me...never before have I felt this way after ending a relationship. I feel like chasing after him and begging him to stay. It's pathetic and I understand that I hate him more than I love him now, but the fact that it is final...this is the end, I'm panicked. We have had a constant on/off relationship for 2.5 years. It has never been stable. But every time it was over before I somehow knew it wouldn't be the last.
This time, we have moved in and out with each other twice, I have made myself clear that I won't put up with it. I KNOW this is the big one. The end. I have sworn to myself I will cut all contact. But this person has been my only friend for this whole time, everything about our hugely dis functional relationship has had me so focused on him...to the exclusion of anything else...that I have no idea what to do. Who to call. I'm actually scared to go back to being a totally independent single mum again. Although I was for 7 years before I met him. I shouldn't be scared at all!
As he was leaving he said he will be staying in a backpackers hostel for a while as he has no where else to go. He made a dig about how they have free fleas with their beds...that he might take the 2 leather chairs that I offered him as he hasn't got a lounge and he will be able to lay very comfortably on those chairs to watch tv. I know he wants me to feel terrible, that's the aim...but god does it have to hurt this much? I do care about him, I don't want him to be unhappy, I don't want any harm to come to him. However I also really do want this whole scenario to be what wakes him up...I don't want him to die from living this life. Last night when he didn't come home until 11pm I was worried about him...particularly after him being assaulted the other night. He's doing the I want to die talk, which I have never experienced before. Anyway, I will have to suck it up I guess, I just wish it didn't hurt this badly.