Itsmylifenow...I send you strength and hugs! And I love your quote:
In my attempt to see the good things about him, I have watered down the bad things like a cheap drink.
So ironically spot on.
Regarding time to leave. For me...the lightbulb moment was 10 years in, and 10 years before I left. That's a painful reality to forgive myself for! A turning point event in my life--first time I actually needed emotional support in a big way-- and he wasn't willing or able to provide it, and in addition BERATED me for it and simultaneously spent money we didn't have which kept me feeling trapped financially...with small children...and after weeks of depression and constant tears I woke up one morning with new resolve that I was strong enough to live in a marriage knowing full well I couldn't expect anything emotionally since he couldn't help himself. I thought it was best for the kids. I felt trapped financially. And I really didn't "need" him. I had friends and was generally happy. His closet high functioning drinking was tolerable if I didn't "need" anything from him. I thought he was a relatively good father at the time. I didn't mind missing out on a deeper emotional relationship. I had made a commitment.
But 10 years later when it had escalated...wow. I saw the past with my blinders fully off and wished that younger me had made a different choice. Because she knew! That was a turning point in which I chose to go straight. Long way of saying...my turning point was more like a monkey standing on my shoulders repeatedly hitting me on the head with a hammer...and one day it stuck.