No contact feels horrible, it feels wrong for a million reasons. I hate it, it goes against everything inside me...I want to call him, beg him, drive out there and try to find him, email, text, whatever I could do, I have considered it. I hate myself right now for that. But then, then I sort of sit and think, wtf would I do if he actually showed up at the house? I sure as hell would not let him in and I think I might be strong enough to not run outside and talk to him. Because then my kids would give me those looks of utter betrayal, that I put us all in danger's way. Because how would I manage to get him back out of the house and my life if I let him in, without getting hurt, if things turned ugly, as I know they would. As I said once before, though, while no contact is super duper terribly awfully unbearably hard...ugly hard... it IS EASIER than contact. Contact with them sets you back, even if its onesided and you don't respond, any form of contact is bad...in my experience anyway. Its hard, but pulling yourself back up out of the chaos when you get pulled down by her again and nearly drowned by her insanity is harder. My mess of an Ex fiance sounds much like yours, and the whole fear of being stabbed, I get that. It seriously put goosebumps up the back of my neck to think you have been put through that. And hit for hugging or kissing or whatever it was on your list. I got a chair thrown at me for kissing him while he watched tv...because I was interrupting. Strange how that looks in black and white when I read that about myself, that I ever accepted that in my life. Yes, it is a sad peace you are living right now, I am right there with you. Its lonely, and dark in this peace. That time you are supposed to be taking to focus on you does something else at the same time. It gives you time to live normally. My, How we forget what that feels like, when we live with alcoholics. Or at least to creep towards normal. Space to give you some perspective and clarity. My example for clarity: My ex husband's (not the alcoholic ex fiance) grandfather developed alzheimers (from drinking a bottle of vodka a day) and it became quite severe as he aged into his upper 80s. His tiny little spitfire of a wife, also in her 80s, refused to put her husband in a nursing home where he should have been (thinking it was her DUTY to take care of him, in sickness and in health, etc), and ended up spending every waking moment taking care of him, day and night, for he would think he was lighting a cigarette, but was setting a napkin on fire and dropping it on the floor, would think he was in the bathroom, but would crap on the living room couch. Would walk into the garage, not turning on the light, because his mind was living another place and time, and fall and bash up his head or become combative and go after her. He was no longer in there, his mind had completely failed. At some point, it became too much for her, he fell down some stairs, was hospitalized and soon died. Though she grieved deeply for his passing, she soon found she had time to play bridge again with friends, read books she had been wanting to read, etc, things she enjoyed but had forgotten. And soon enough, it came clear to her that SO MUCH of her life had been taking care of him, and looking out for him, that it consumed her entire being and she had not spent any time actually LIVING for herself. I am saying this badly I think, but I hope I get my point across and don't look like I am bashing a poor sweet old couple, because I am not. It took some time for her to actually see how much of her life she had given up, so many of her golden years, spent futilely trying to play nurse and caretaker when it was an illness that she was not capable of handling on her own. She didn't see it, until she was out of the situation and got some clarity and distance from it. She couldn't see it clearly, she was too close and wrapped up in it. She spent over a decade trying to handle his illness, and lost so many of her golden years. Time wasted, because she was not the person who should have been his caretaker, and he would have wanted her to be enjoying her golden years, as she put it later, a few months before she died.
This is what we do, we give so much of ourselves trying to fix them or take care of them, or whatever, we lose our entire identity, though we really are not equipped to "fix" them. And we don't even realize its happening til our entire being is just centered around their sickness and drama. Distance and time will give you clarity. I hope. I think that is what no contact is for. It still feels horrible though. I keep repeating that to myself in the hopes that it actually happens. At this point, no contact is hurting badly, but my fear and dread over what contact will feel like when he rears his ugly head in person instead of email (since I am not responding) is growing...making "no contact" seem not so awful after all. Little by little I am finding I don't want to hear from him, because I like my peace better. I wonder...is the peace and calm addictive? I hope so. So while no contact is hard, it gives you time to grow stronger and gain some of yourself back and maybe before you know it, you will be saying to yourself WHAT THE HELL WAS I THINKING, like Madea said in Hammer's video that was posted earlier. Sorry to everyone if my post is all rambling and nonsensical. I am fighting norovirus, on top of stress and am just super tired, but my heart went out to you and I wanted to add my two cents because I am living what you are going through.