James18

I'm on page 80 (or thereabouts) and the book is really beginning to click. I have been uncomfortable with the term 'alcoholic' and I don't believe I'm chemically dependent on alcohol and I really don't want to get involved with AA. I've been struggling to admit to being an addict even, even though I have the behaviour of one. Since I have been trying to stop, more than a few times I have 'decided' to drink, rather than 'had to' for whatever reasons 'alcoholics' give. I don't believe I'm 'powerless over alcohol' but believe my drinking habits have become unmanageable. I'm not sure where the addictive voice comes into play but I've come to the conclusion I make bad decisions and my continuing decision to drink is just a part of that. I drink for pleasure to replace boredom, frustration, anger, guilt etc. etc. with a high. It doesn't work any more and I'm beginning to understand where I'm going wrong. Things need to change and I'm beginning to see a way out.

I have difficulty making good decisions and also have difficulty saying 'no' especially when I'm tired or hungry. These two issues are big problems for me I need to work on. I need to stop being ambivalent about drinking and take a side - yes or no for good. I hold myself %100 responsible for my current predicament with alcohol and my past problems with drugs.

I have always enjoyed getting high and it's completely taken over my decision making process, I need to take that power back.