Hi, Pals)
I think it's time to break my silence and get back to violence of the words. Why violence? Just have this song turning on and on in my head
"Words like violence, break the silence,
...Words are very unnecessary..."
Never mind..But it's time to shift from words to actions, anyway...
It's somewhat half past midnight at my part of the world, but I don't want to delay this post for tomorrow.
The last week was fine overall...But I started overeating again on Saturday, proceeded on Sunday, and today's turned into the worst binge since I quit sweets. When I ate frozen potato wedges half-cooked, being too impatient to wait till they are completely ready, I felt like I hit a new bottom...
I emptied almost everything that was in my fridge, and bought myself more.
So, here I am, with disgusting feeling all over.
I've been hesitating though about making the Big Plan again.
As I've already said in my previous post, my very first Big Plan, that I made back in May, was exactly about binge eating. I wrote it, I meant it, I felt it, I imagined my Beast kicking and fighting, and dying hard... And yet, here I am.
So I've been confused - how to make the Big Plan work this time?
But today I'm just tired and sick of overeating, so I've decided to take both advice of AVRT author, and one of my fav writing mentors: "The right time is NOW" and "When is the best time to start" Start BEFORE you are ready".
Yes, I am ready, Beast is not, all is fine...
I've read through AVRT crash course , got my AVRT PhD, and ready to go.
Yes, I am alone in this battle - when AV shows up its head - there's only It and Me.
I am getting great support here, but, after all, when the gong is ringing, and all the supporters and trainers are out of the ring, there's only me and the Beast in our battle.
While I've been thinking about making the Big Plan again today, different metaphors came to my mind.
One was about fairy tales. There are a lot of fairy tales where a heroine has to go through some bewitched forest, where trees are whispering, and stretching out their branches to grasp and straddle her, and monsters of any kind are hiding in the darkness waiting for her to reel backward. But some wise man warned her to never look back, or listen to whispers - just go straight ahead and mind her own business. Something like that.
Fairy tales...It takes to be a grown up to get to their meaning, I think.
Too much talking again? Ok, I'll make it short.
Just another thought.
What is binge? I've been thinking about some definition for it again - how much is binge? Then I told myself: "Ok, stop BSing yourself. No definition is actually necessary. If you are honest with yourself, then have to admit that you ALWAYS KNOW WHEN IT IS BINGE. It doesn't matter how much, it's about how you feel. When you know that you are having this 3 extra dried apricots just because you are delaying some phone call you don't want to make - it's a binge. Binge is not in quantity of food you are eating, it's all about your attitude.
And surely there's no way you can eat that amount just because you are hungry.
If you are having another slice of bread with cheese just because you are terrified to write your article, call a client, whatever.. Sorry, honey, but it is binge. You know all this. You are smart.
I'll make the Big Plan short. I am not repeating what has been already written before.
I will just say that:
- I will NEVER binge again. Yes, you got it right, Beast. Never. N-E-V-E-R. What is never? Oh, I'm sorry, you are stupid. Well, I will consider some bingeing when the last star dies. One thousand light years, OK? You can start counting till then now.
I know most of your masks. I've heard most of your voices. I know - you are such a jerk...
I am no more an actor of your jerk show, Beast.
I am no more a marionette of the animal that is primitive and powerless.
I am free.
And I will NEVER change my mind.
Going to have some sweet dreams now, pals.
See you)