I feel guilt and maybe even moreso, some resentment. When Hubby was drinking, I drank with him on the weekends-not overdoing it, but 2-3 most every Fri & Sat night-ughh-he would bring them to me. In the pre-kid days/pre drinking turned alcoholic, it was our favorite time of of the week on Fridays to have a glass of wine after work, and just talk, connect, solve all the problems of the world
I don't drink in front of him at home anymore or if just the 2 of us go out, but I would have a drink or 2 at a social gathering with or without him.
Confession-please don't judge me! I have a partial bottle of wine hidden in my closet right now. On New Year's Eve, I wanted to enjoy a glass of wine while I was cooking-I put it in a plastic cup and hid it when he came upstairs. A couple weeks later on a Friday night he was cooking, kids were playing, and he told me to go relax and I had a glass in my room while I was reading. He just told me he is going to a Saturday night AA meeting tomorrow and I kind of thought-hey, maybe I'll have another glass of wine while he is gone!
I feel like I am behaving like an alcoholic with the hidden bottle and the secret drinking, and I really don't like the feeling, and I am not worried about my consumption since it is only a drink every few weeks, but it still feels WEIRD. Yet at the same time, because I want to be supportive of him I DO feel resentful that I am a normal person and feel like I can't have a drink on a Friday after work or while I cook, or whatever, without feeling weird. He has said he has to learn to be around drinking and not have it affect him, and if I asked him if he minded, he would say it was fine, but I also know he appreciates that it is not around or being done in front of him. Part of me thinks I should just give it up completely since it is not a huge deal to me, but the other part resents that, since I feel like I have already been hurt a lot by his drinking, and now I "have" to give up this little - not a problem for me - pleasure. And I am happily willing to give up the VAST MAJORITY of it, but would like a little, every so often. And it's like above-it's almost like the "can't have it" thing makes me want it and/or resent it that much more. It's like what isn't/shouldn't be a big deal has turned into a big deal. Ugh...drinking in front of him just feel cruel, like I'd be rubbing his nose in it or tempting him, but the "secret" part of it does not feel right either, and is a major issue I had with
his behavior, so I don't like doing it secretly either.
Thanks for the thread-this has really been on my mind lately. I need to think about it more and maybe have a conversation about this with him. Guilt, resentment, and secrets-none are good for me...