Thank you for this post Riel...
Today I don't feel like discussing AV. Just need a break. Doesn't mean I am going to binge though.
It's the first time when I post on this thread "looking back" and not feeling like opening up my feelings... And I don't like it... I will probably take some break from posting here to sort my feelings out without overreacting here. But I will surely continue posting at some moment, because "talking all" or not - it helps me. Maybe not in a "pure AVRT sense". But still.
But it's not the point today. For some reason today I didn't feel like overeating since the early morning - my "dangerous time". Usually I am taking my time drinking coffee, etc., because I am usually afraid of what the day is going to bring me. Not today - I don't know exactly what happened, just didn't care. I had no appetite, so I just almost forced myself to finish my breakfast. Wow. For some strange reason neither I felt like checking e-mail, or anything else on my laptop while having breakfast. I actually started, but stopped - it just irritated me. I was sitting there I thinking: "What's the date today? I should remember it. Something changed.".
So, today is February 4. Wait a minute. It's not the first time I remember this date. It's the anniversary of my Mother's death. She passed away nine years ago. February 4, 2005. I remember that day too well.
It's not the first time I forget about the anniversary of my Mother's day either. A few years ago I was stuck at my crazy work till somewhat 10 or 11 p.m. again, scratched the bumper of my car squeezing through a narrow lane with other cars parked all over it, was all f**d up and upset with work. And when I finally got home, the midnight chimed, and another day arrived, I remembered I missed my Mother's death anniversary. I mean, I didn't even remember about that.
I felt so damn guilty back then - what kind of a person I am? Yeah, monster, just a selfish monster. My Mother was right after all.
Chances are today, if not for my struggles with perverted food behaviour, I wouldn't remember about that either. Maybe yes, maybe no.
Today I am not going to the cemetery - I don't feel like doing this. I don't know what to say to my Mother. I don't want to stand their and try to fight back my grudge about what I re-opened during this year of sobriety. About "heritage" I am still dragging on my shoulders.
My therapist told me that at some moment I should say to my Mother and Father "Thank you for giving me life" and move forward. Yes, it's probably the best way. But I am not ready yet.
I don't feel grief today. But I don't feel guilty for not feeling grief either. At least it is not so ruthless, straightforward and "black and white" as it used to be. "You are not grieving on the day of your Mother's Death = You are a bad person".
I have no illusions though - sense of guilt is still somewhere, in more complicated and subtle forms, still kicking and poisoning my life. It's still appears in the form of AV - not so black and white as "to eat or not to eat" - but in disguise. There are still a lot of places to hide for my "emotional AV".
It's not the first time I don't feel like grieving... I used to "force" myself to do that, because I was scared that it feels like ok to me. No, it's not normal. I can't be such a senseless person.
I am "watching" myself today. What do I feel? What do I want to feel? What feeling do I want to push away from myself?
I am not fussing. I am not running. I am not following rituals to keep myself "normal". I am with myself. Scary a little bit. Not, not a little bit - it's scary. But interesting...
See you, pals... Around...