I could give you the sad details, the angry rants, the blame game he said/she said stuff, but it is really all the same puzzle isn't it? We all just have different colored pieces to plug into it. So with that I will get to the point. RAXH/ live in boyfriend has been on a 6 month road heading to relapse. I beat him to it. I crashed & burned a horrible relapse into the depths of insanity. After a 12 hour denial session today I finally caved and admitted to myself I am effed up.
How did this happen? How in the world did I jump back on the roller coaster of doom yet again? I will tell you how. Confidence. Denial. Comfort. I was confident he had this. I was comfortable believing I don't need to work the steps everyday. I was in denial that my fairytale castle was crumbling. I failed to plan.
He obtained sobriety 4.5 years ago. I set the boundary that if he drinks, I am gone. I failed to plan for a different arm of the monster. I failed to accept that sobriety could change to dry drunk and old habits would come back. I failed to stay true to ME. EH, I failed all together.
So. Here I am. Starting again with 1. Searching for my elusive serenitythat I absolutey cherish yet failed to nurture. How can I judge anyone for not cultivating their own flower beds when I let mine wither and die?
Brutal honesty. I hate me. I hate him. I hate everything. I hate who I have become. I hate life. My life has become unmanageable. I am powerless & I need help. I want someone to make it better. Anyone. I want the easy fix but it doesn't happen that way. Once again I must face myself in the mirror, admit I too am a monster and start the uphill battle. Omg how I hate this. Seriously WTF is wrong with me?
