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Old 01-22-2014, 06:44 PM
  # 13 (permalink)  
allysen
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Join Date: Jun 2012
Posts: 175
Your situation reminds me of my own when XAH and I first split up. He didn't want the relationship to end, so he did everything he could to go about like we were still together - including spending too much time at my house. At first, it was so convenient to have him around often so that I could get out, get groceries, etc. However, when he was on a binge, I was left feeling stupid because I had no one to watch the kids so I could get to work!

My advice is this: for essential things like your DD's school and your job, make other arrangements. He obviously cannot be depended on, so stop it. Can a neighbour pick her up, family member? Is there a latchkey program? Second, if it really is your house - start acting like it! Put limits/rules in place. You wouldn't let any of your friends turn your place into a pigsty or use it as a hotel, so don't let him either. Set visit start times and end times - and stick to them. If you're ok with having him over for a meal once a week, let him know he can do the dishes in exchange. My XAH pays me for the food he consumes here.

I have now been separated from XAH for 8 months. Things have changed a lot: I have found that 'less is more'. We now have a schedule, so he is here much less than he used to be - it was done gradually and the kids didn't seem to notice the reduction. There is some flexibility to the schedule, for the most part we stick to it. When he is here, he needs to leave an hour before the kids' bedtime. He used to have the kids 10am-7pm on Saturdays, but since he apparently can't get out of bed before noon, I changed it to 3-7 (I like that I now have time on Sat to do things on my own with the kids before he gets here). The sad reality that I have had to face is that XAH really doesn't want to parent the kids - that's why he won't take them, only wants to go out with them if I go, still expects me to do the caregiving when it is technically his 'time' with the kids, etc. Whatever. His loss.
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