haddock....i just now read your first post - it sounded so like my wife 3 years ago. I just knew your update would be a separation.....as is my current state (4 days in!)
I dont know what help it is - but my life was VERY like yours....only my wife cheated (she felt lonely because we drifted...because she was always drunk) and thats why I'm divorcing her.....but I'm still the villain.
I know what you mean about evidence.....my wife took me and my kids to hell and back, yet the vast majority of her friends believe her to be the victim of an unreasonable husband.....they even had a sleepover with her saturday, her first night away from the home, and all brought beer!
So find a way to not worry....posting here has (almost literally) saved my life....it's wonderful to be able to talk and have people understand - as opposed to "real life" where not everyone does (doing the school run past mums that stare at me like I'm a wife basher is grim....but I know I can post here and it ceases to matter)
You are not alone.