Hi Stung,
I get so much from reading your posts. They are honest, thorough, and detailed. I think you're very brave to put it all out there the way you do, so thank you!
I might feel the same way when you said you were grossed out by your husband's appearance. It's a gut reaction to a physical manifestation of all that is wrong in your marriage. It does not imply shallowness, or lack of compassion. You've been through a lot, and you're both just beginning recovery. It's ok to feel what you feel and just let it be. Of course all of this is just my humble opinion.
So please keep posting, you have my support and sympathetic ear.
Hugs!