Sooo close to final divorce hearing (mediation scheduled for a 3rd time next month-- if he blows it off we have a hearing and it's done!) but more importantly, official divorce paperwork or not, the dynamic has FINALLY changed and I feel like I've lost about 195 lbs of dead weight (his weight!) from my life.
I still have to see him daily, have to communicate about the girls, have to stomach him being with them and worry about them when they are... But a switch flipped in me a few months ago and again recently when a looming court hearing not only went well but went amazingly and it gave me the ability to say F it to his antics and just not let his craziness get to me much anymore....
As many of you know he had me arrested this fall... While it was baseless, it's surprisingly easy for an abuser to lie and manipulate and have the actual DV victim arrested and he did so brilliantly.... He actually hit me and I didn't report it right away. My fauly. When I did report it he was asked for his "side" and created a different timeline of events complete with a "witness" (abusive drunk friend of his who beats his wife too!) and his story was believed. Despite having an ER report, photos, DV advocate who I talked to the day of the assault etc... none of that was looked at by the cops (the Chief of Police being one of his drinking buddies was the one who signed the arrest warrant- and that chap is now in a heap of trouble
). So I was arrested and charged with assault.
Fast forward 4 months. 4 months of him using my pending charges unsuccessfully as leverage, 4 months of me having to tolerate manipulation and verbal abuse and smiling and not reacting to any of it, 4 months of threatening to send me to jail and him believing he would be believed in court etc... As bad as it was, it taught me I could withstand anything and just keep myself centered and focussed on the girls and the truth and I waited patiently for my day in court.
Court date came last week. The charges were dismissed, arrest will be annulled and the prosecutor and judge told me they were sorry. The prosecutor called the fact that I was ever arrested and charged "baseless" and said the Chief of Police would be getting a call from him to explain his "investigation" since it was clear none took place. The Chief is going to be in some trouble I suspect and I could sue for false arrest I suppose if I wanted. The best news is that I am meeting the Victim Witness Advocate next week and I have the option for the prosecutor to press charges against xAH bc the evidence is obvious he assaulted me. The Prosecutor is PISSED with xAH for wasting his time and pissed at the police for a false baseless arrest.
My personal and professional reputation took some hits bc of this this fall and no one will ever be as interested in the outcome as they were in the sensationalized arrest story. And I am trying to be okay with that.
The girls are with me 98% of the time. xAH has and has all along had VERY limited visitation and doesn't exercise the limited time he does have.
A flask and empty bottles have been found in the car after he's been driving it and he admits to them being his so there is NO chance he will be given 50/50 custody nor will he want it even if it is given.
He is so ill and so mired in his disease that that is all he can focus on and while it is sad for the girls to have that as a father, he is no longer my concern and can no longer EVER hurt me again.
I feel like I have a new leash on life, my kids have a peaceful home (but still are having a hard time with an absentee dad and wishing he were around and like their friends dads)... I have no money, I have no job security, I owe my lawyer thousands and there is sure to be more drama before the divorce is final but mentally I have nothing more to do with xAH-- he doesn't get to control my mind and worries and emotions anymore and that is worth more than anything.
So, life is unstable here in a lot of tangible ways, but the intangible stuff that matters more to me than the rest, is totally wonderful!
Thought it was high time I share some good news and share that you can leave an abusive mentally ill A and go through hell and back in the process and come out the other side better than before...
Without this place it would not have been possible....