Lizatola-
I keep circling around to this post the last few days.
It is my fear to be able to express my thoughts in writing that has been the limiting factor.
I have been doing a lot of work in therapy right now with the Three As of awareness, acceptance, action, especially the first two.
What I see different in this post, compared to ones of the past, is how aware you are. Aware of him, but also aware of your own feelings about him and about yourself. It also feels like you are trying to figure out what is yours and what is not yours in this. I think that is great, but always struggle with not giving me more than my fair share of this.
My therapist is working with me on the second part or acceptance. What she had to remind me of is that acceptance is not trying to change what is, AND it is not trying to talk myself out of what is also. Finally there is a part to accpetance that I have not been doing at all. Accepting that where I am with that person is right where I need to be for my learning. She also encouraged me that I don't always have to figure it out of what is mine and what is not mine, but how do I FEEL about what is....right in the moment. For me part of the "figuring it out," is part of my dis-ease and discomfort.
The part I don't completely understand that she told me is that our life journey is really about the learning we get from interacting with others. In the ways that they "trigger" us to learn about ourselves, our feelings and our interactions. It is a way of keeping the focus on me, but also exploring the world around me with curiosity....a "why" of how I see the world instead of putting it into a right and wrong category.
A lot of it is over my head right now, and I am trying to accept that and grow into it.
I share because I think that I see what she is talking about in your post, better than I can in my own right now.