Liz, I think you do need to simply be easier on yourself. I get the impression that you are your own worst critic. There also seems to be a general consensus that your husband has traits of NPD, and quite possibly is a full blown narcissist. I think living in a situation like that only exacerbates your tendency to be self-critical, because the narcissist is right there with you, crazymaking, gas lighting, and manipulating. Having lived with and worked for one for only about 5 years, I still catch that little voice inside my head telling me I'm a failure, not good enough, crazy, this is why no one likes me, etc etc. These are all things my "friend" would say to me whenever something I was doing didn't fit into her plan. Sometimes it wasn't even that blatant, but I would walk away from the situation feeling extremely manipulated and the end result was the same.
I think as far as your question about trusting your husband goes, the old adage "more will be revealed" applies. In my opinion, I think there is a reason you don't trust him (he has shown himself to be untrustworthy and often cruel again and again) and I don't think trust is something that can or should be forced. With my narcissist friend, it got to the point where I couldn't share anything vulnerable about myself because that vulnerability would be used against me and thrown in my face as a way to manipulate me to do what she wanted. At that point, the break in trust was irreparable and our friendship ended shortly after. It was incredibly difficult, I gave up my family of horses and dogs and so much of my stuff, but I never regret it.
I think you have made amazing progress in the time I've been following your story. I think it's easy not to see it when you're in it, but speaking as an outsider, I think you're doing a great job. I hope you can find a place that will take your dog, because I think living in a separate space will offer you more clarity on the situation, both in how he reacts and how you feel about it without him there to fog up the situation. Pun intended, I mean FOG as in fear, obligation, or guilt. How much of your desire to trust him again and rebuild the marriage comes from one of those things?
Just some food for thought, take what you want and leave the rest. I think you're doing an amazing job being self-reflective and finding your part in the situation, but remember to also be kind to yourself.