PohsFriend

That's pretty brilliant Mike.

Sorry you are struggling Liz.

I think that while we all have some common experiences we should always keep in mind that one size fits one with this.

I think that I think.... The two things that stand out are when I found out about Poh's last relapse a few months after it happened and while I hit the ceiling that night, with time and the clarity of hindsight I think that was a major turning point because she wasn't 'found out' and did not admit it to anyone until she was but while in the midst of 'getting away with it' she suddenly did like ten meetings in ten days and AA went from being something she did because she had to to something she did because SHE wanted, needed, had to have it of her own volition.

A second key thing was when I was still seething and furious with her for minimizing it and the defensive facade and feigned ignorance of what her lapse could have caused disappeared when she and I were talking to a rehab counselor about her lapse during pregnancy. She described in detail what could have happened (and thankfully did not) and the absolute horror and misery and self-loathing written all over her face instantly told me that she had spent the prior three months living in her own personal hell and I wasn't angry any longer - I understood and forgave instantly.

Final thing... her vigilance. When an alcoholic says they have it beat and can handle it and will never lapse again I don't question their sincerity - I think they genuinely believe it. When my wife tells me she is terrified because she knows in her gut that she has to be aware every day and work her plan every day despite the fact that she has been in recovery for two years and she's almost to the 18 month milestone - I know she is far more 'well' than someone who says they are fine because the people I know with ten, fifteen, thirty years sober sound just like her.

Along the lines of Mike's concise and brilliant observation... I don't know when it happened but at some point I stopped looking for bottles, sniffing breath or worrying about whether she was sneaking a drink because there is no reason to fear that - if she could drink on the sly without my ever noticing then I would not be here. I'm here because she doesn't know if it would take a day, week or month but whether it was the first sip or the hundredth or the thousandth there would come one sip that broke through the handcuffs and rope that ties up that addictive voice and keeps it from taking over and then it would take over and I'd know.

So I don't keep tabs or ask questions or involve myself in her recovery beyond attending functions and talking over things she's read or heard when she wants my take and somewhere along the line I came to feel that it would be cruel to doubt her when she has done and continues to do everything she can to get well, stay well, learn, study, meditate, sponsor others... so I am thankful for what is and what has been and having figured out a rough 'plan' in case we need it one day I stopped worrying about it and just thank God for it.

I think we see change in the rearview mirror more than we see it in the present. If a year goes by and he has not had a drink and he's changing in healthy ways you'll look back and have some moments that stand out, right now perhaps you are looking back and thinking "been here" without being able to say "but this time I am seeing things I haven't seen before".

Time, repetition, new patterns appearing ... I don't think we know when a real change is happening in someone else, we just have a moment where it occurs to us that something DID change.

Watching my wife hurt for the four friends who have relapsed this month drew big neon lines around the changes she's made for me. Three were not a surprise, one was a shocker. The friend and sponsee she was most worried about - the one who lost a child last month - did not relapse.

Alcoholism is confounding.

To Mike's point again, what changed in me is clear. I am a tad (cough) OCD and I think everything through to the nth degree and it took me 40 years or so to find a mystery I could not unravel, take apart, understand and reassemble with confidence that I 'got it'. I don't get it, I will never 'get it' but I know it's name and I know that it is patient and cunning and evil and I do not care for it much but something changed in me there too. I accept that it is out there waiting and if it hits us I won't see it coming so I refuse to let it steal my happiness or chip away at the love and devotion I feel toward the courageous and wonderful woman who gets up and kicks its ass each and every day.

Today was a good day. My wife is sober and safe and warm and surrounded by two guys and two furballs who adore her and admire her.... Ok, the furballs just admire her ability to distribute treats but they still adore her.

Liz, if he was sober today then today was a good day and started off a good week and from the sound of it 2014 has been a good year. Can't see what the rest of it will bring but maybe this is a day when you can let go of what might be, enjoy today then well, that would be a nice change that you would be able to see.

hang in there.