this question "what do you want" was in order for him to be able to abide by the word of what I expressed, not the spirit.
Lillamy, you make me laugh - I remember telling my then early teenaged son "Put the dishes in the dishwasher", and coming back to the kitchen to find the dishes in the dishwasher but the silverware and glasses still on the dinnertable.... But he grew up, and he now owns his own dishwasher and loads and empties it without direction from me....
Liz, I think you're slipping back into putting your husband in the center of the circle again instead of you. What he is doing, what it means, how he behaves, how he might behave, is the "recovery" real, is it even a recovery, ---you are again constantly taking HIS temperature to make the diagnosis of what YOU should do.
For me, my problem with my AH wasn't just the drinking. It was that beneath the drinking, he was not someone I could live with and keep myself intact. His pull on my emotions and behavior was so strong, and his abuse and rage so large that I chose to leave to save myself.
I literally ran away on July 4th 2012 because the alcoholism and abuse escalated to a point where I could not bear it. Then, after we agreed on the terms of the divorce in April 2013, we had to work together on getting our jointly owned home ready to sell. By then, he had "moderated" his alcohol intake significantly; and he had owned a great part of his behavior and he apologized and wanted me back. So I had to decide, aside from the risk of his alcoholism, whether I wanted my marriage back while NOT in the heat of crisis.
What I realized is that a leopard doesn't lose its spots; they are part and parcel of who they are. My husband's patterns of behavior, how he saw me, how he treated me, his rage simmering under a veneer of humility - - these are part of how he is constructed. I chose to stay divorced and gone.
I think your therapist is leading you down a dangerous path. I'd ask her what benefit it would be for YOU, for YOUR emotional healing, to initiate emotional contact with a man who has devastated and controlled you with his narcissistic behavior for so long? I just don't get it. Space for you and you alone, both emotional and physical space, would let you break the "yo-yo" relationship with your AH of "if he does that, then what? If he does this, then what?" How does your therapist not see this?
Your work to become emotionally independent enough to separate has been so hard fought for. It almost seems like your therapist is paralleling your husband in making you doubt your resolve.
I guess it boils down to thinking long term, not short term. In other words, "what will the benefit be of separating which will force me to think and act on my own benefit, versus staying enmeshed in this short-term perpetual dance?"
I don't mean to be harsh; you have done so much emotional work and have so much to be proud of. I think it is very hard when the abuse is more subtle and insidious than when it is overt and unmistakable.
ShootingStar1