saying goodbye and letting go
I heard from my ex a couple of days ago. I've been away for two and a half months, trying to find myself again basically and move forward, trying to refocus and remember what's important to me and my life. And of course, right on cue, the day before I came home, he emailed me. He'd been sober for a week he said and felt so badly about everything that happened between us. I was angry, I won't lie. In some ways it felt good to read his regrets, because he really hurt me (and I let him) and did many things that were disrespectful, manipulative, mean spirited (and again, I let him get away with these things). After a crazy 12 hours where we emailed back and forth and I nearly broke down to call him to get him to come get me at the airport (I did not), I realized that his apology was more about him than it was about me. He didn't want to actually apologize in person, because then I would "get to just walk away", and that wasn't ok for him. In the end, I told him that I had to let him go, that I loved him, but that I have to let him go.
I realized that, regardless of his treatment of me and our relationship; no matter his "stuff", I didn't like who I was while I was with him. I hated who I was, actually - because I was the girl who swallowed pain, turned the other cheek so many times I had blurred vision, forced myself to believe all of his little lies, and continually blamed myself and my "emotional" ways for causing his disrespectful treatment. I made myself so small, just so that I could stay with him. And I never, ever want to be that girl again, not for myself and not for a partner.
My heart is breaking all over again. I wish I could take a pill to magically forget all of the craziness that we went through together, so that I could be with him again.
Thanks for listening.