jakec

So most people, I think, when they see someone whom they find attractive think "Wow, he/she's really good looking" or "They have a good personality" .. and then go on with their day.

For me, whenever I see a cute guy close to my age at a meeting or something, I'll literally spend the whole meeting just thinking about them.. and not in that way - I don't have sexual fantasies about them or anything in that nature.. But rather I just picture myself being with that person and hanging out and talking to them or cuddling with them(yeah im a cuddle bug lol). It's almost like I picture what my life would be like with this person even I've never even met them. It tends to get in the way of my focus on the message of recovery. Or if someone who I find attractive gives me a compliment or laughs at one of my jokes I'll get a burst of excitment and then I realize that just because someone gives me a compliment doesn't mean their in to me...

Like today - I went to my favorite meeting this morning and there was this guy there who seemed to be around my age and I thought he was cute and after the meeting he came up to me and told me he liked my shirt and I wanted to say "Thanks, I like your face" but that would have been creepy so I just awkwardly smiled and said "thanks." As I walked away that old familar voice started saying stuff like “You’re pathetic, you think just cause he gave you a compliment he likes you? You’re never gonna find a guy like that, and if you do, they’re just gonna get bored of you eventually like the rest of them.” And then I start to feel sorry for myself, but I try not to.

I guess I just long for attention from other guys my age for some reason.. I don’t know. I know in my heart that I am too fragile and in no position in my recovery to start a romantic/intimate relationship with anyone.

Does anyone else feel like this ever? Or am I the only one thats this weird/creepy? lol