Good therapists are available to their clients when their clients are deeply depressed, having suicidal thoughts, and in such a dark place. You should be able to call your therapist, leave a message asking for a return call for a phone session in the next few days, and if your therapist refuses to respond, then I am not sure you have a good therapist. If the therapist is completely unavailable until Jan 8, then a colleague should be on call to take crisis calls for the therapist. If that is not available, then I am certain you are with the wrong professional.
In divorce, I have found that narcissistic addicts have an unfailing trait: they attempt to take their spouse down as low as they possibly can. They do this through psychological mind-games and manipulations which, I am so sorry to say and you are well aware, work with exacting efficiency. Essentially, they cut the spouse down at the knees, paralyzing the spouse with the most unbelievably harsh and degrading accusations, and the mortal sin in this, in my opinion, is that they target the most vulnerable, human, fragile imperfections of the spouse and present those to the spouse as if those human frailties were disgusting and revolting.
I should perhaps not use such strong language, but I always find myself enraged when a battered spouse describes what an addict is doing to her psyche and her soul. And you are a victim here. In an ordinary divorce, spouses complain about the other not meeting certain needs, not being on the same wavelength anymore, etc. But divorce from narcissistic addicts is an ugly business, and every dirty, ruthless tactic will be used by the addict so he (or she) can get exactly what he wants and maintain an image of superiority.
Gaslighting is what it is, yes, but it is more brutal than that. It is not just trickery. It is a calculated assault by the addict on another's humanity, and the person being assaulted is not just an acquaintance, it is a spouse who has sacrificed for the addict, likely mothered (or fathered) the children of the addict, and, my God, tolerated the sickening behavior of the addict probably for years.
Please call your therapist. You are too alone. Please go to Al-Anon twice a week and please ask someone in a meeting to be your sponsor. You are too alone. You are a trauma survivor and you have become isolated from the world in large part because of your marriage. If there is a support group for trauma survivors, find that as well and go, weekly. Alone, you are like an animal culled from the herd, and your selfish addict husband is the predator. Call your therapist. This is too much pain for you to bear alone.
Your life will get better when you break away from him. He holds you as if in a spell, as a dark sorcerer who has imprisoned you in ice. But you have angels waiting. You have people out there with love and friendship in their hearts, waiting, for you.
Call your therapist. Attend meetings faithfully. Find a church. This will break the spell and you will no longer be at his mercy. What you feel right now is a passage, it is leading somewhere, and though you are in darkness, what you are walking toward is Light. Angels--friends, people in recovery, fellow trauma survivors who understand--are waiting for you.
We understand. And we can tell you this is a temporary stage in a passage toward a better life. You will survive this and be stronger. You are going to be all right.