So confused, hurt and broken-hearted
After 18 years of marriage, my husband gets clean of opiates, goes to treatment, comes home, attends meetings and meets someone else at an NA meeting. Another addict with a husband of her own.
I am told that because of the mistakes I have made (I'm not an addict but struggle with PTSD and all that goes with it), I am untrustworthy and leading a double life. I'm not. I parent and homeschool my kids. I work as a freelance writer and I work hard at it.
What I'm having difficulty with is:
Feelings of worthlessness that I'm not worthy any longer of knowing or being a part of his life or recovery.
Getting gaslighted regularly, where I really begin to doubt my perception of reality.
Being lied to.
Having honest open communication withheld purposefully. For example, he's never copped to the fact that he's in a couple with someone else, yet exchanges 50+ emails a day with her, has gone places overnight to meet up with her, etc. I can't ask a single question and get a straight answer.
He makes sexual overtures to me and I can't for the life of me understand how he can want me that way but not any other way.
There's so much more. He arranged for my kids to be somewhere else, he went to marathon meetings and I spent Christmas eve alone. This is the last Christmas to be spent together as a family, the first New Year's I'll be on my own and he'll be with someone else at midnight.
I guess this really sounds like a pity party and I apologize for that. I am hurting so so badly and the person who keeps telling me he's "the only real friend I've ever had", who cares about me so much, is the very person I'm allowing to cause me to doubt every single thing about myself, my intelligence, my abilities and whether or not I'm a capable parent.
I have my own therapist, who my husband is convinced is a figment of my imagination, and I can't get in to see her until January 6th.
For the first time in my life, on Christmas eve, I found myself sitting in my car, wondering how hard I'd have to hit a tree to launch myself through the windshield. I had a plan. And that scares me. I had reached the point where I truly believed that everyone would be better off without me.
I am no angel; I have made my share of mistakes in my life and I own every single one of them. My heart is just broken.
Is it ever going to be OK again?