Posted an update a couple weeks ago, but used the app and think it ended up on the substance abuse board instead.
Nutshell: hubby was sober for 15 months following OP treatment, but no AA. 2 months ago I discovered he had a brief (1 time) sexual affair, had occasionally been sneaking alcohol and drugs over recent months, and in recent weeks had fallen fast and furiously back to drinking-1 day 1 beer, next 2, next 6 kind of thing. Went to I P treatment. We visited on day 10. Shortly afterwards I had a bad accident, which could have been much worse, but resulted in me being very banged up, gash on face, and shattered arm/wrist requiring surgery-11screws, 2 pins, titanium plate, etc. had to rely on friends and family heavily to care for me and kids (10&7) during his last 2 weeks of rehab. He nearly left rehab whenI got hurt-lots of guilt, but ultimately, thankfully, stayed.
He has been home a week. Doing 90 mtgs in 90 days, seeing his addiction counselor every 2 weeks, and just left to meet with a sponsor he recently identified. I saw my own therapist for the first time since August, today and plan to attend my first al anon mtg Sunday, while hubby attends AA (will get a sitter). We have an appointment with a marital counselor but couldn't get in for 3-4 weeks from now.
Unfortunately, I am struggling. There is this wedge and no intimacy between us (I get it that rebuilding the marriage will take time, but it's like he doesn't know what to do, so he is "giving me space" when space isn't what I really want-I want him to listen to me and understand me, but it's like he can't. I told him this, but...) I think I maybe resent him a little for not being here when I was hurt, and I feel he is not "trying hard enough" now to help me due to my hand or to "make me feel special" or loved. I think HE THINKS, "I took a leave from work, and left my family and went to rehab, and am getting up every morning at 6 am to go to meetings, and this is really hard and I don't have the energy to do anything more, and dealing with my injured and physically and emotionally needy wife right now is just about more than I can handle."
I get the 3 C's, and I get that only he can fix him and only I can fix me, but I struggle that it takes WE to fix WE -probably just need more time-like they couldn't do surgery on my arm right away until more swelling went down, and maybe I need to heal more myself, emotionally, before we can rebuild-I am just impatient. I just bought After the Affair and we are going to read it and work through it together as we wait for counseling to begin. I am also toying with buying Codependent No More, but find I am resisting. I am a strong, educated, successful professional, good mom, supportive family, etc. I don't feel like I fit the codependent stereotype, but I know I have traits-obviously, what I wrote above about me feeling sad/low as a result of his behavior/lack thereof, is probably the definition of codependent, right?
Anyway, the re-entry process is not the fantasy I guess I had built up in my mind while he was gone. He is not perfect and I am not perfect, and this is harder than I was expecting, as I thought there would be more happiness from all of us, especially with Christmas, but that ended up being harder for me than I expected-like I have my husband home and he is in recovery, but I am sad that our marriage is still in shambles, and I am depleted.
Venting helps greatly. Empathy and advice welcome