I know what I need to do. I need to stop this insanity now.
As a parent, I owe it to my children to show them what a healthy relationship looks like and I owe it to them to be brave enough to walk away when I'm not being treated with respect, love and dignity. I would tell my daughters the exact same thing if, God forbid, they're in this situation as adults. Bare bone minimum, they deserve dignity, respect and love from their partner. I have none of those things from mine.
As for faith and a higher power, if things are meant to work out, they will; in spite of AH's poor choices and in spite of my own actions, because thats thats the beauty of a higher power. It/he/she can intervene and change your plans on a dime. If we eventually come to a point where we are both IN LOVE with each other again, thats fabulous but if we don't, then that's obviously not what's in store for us.
I have hope that things will work out, but hope doesn't mean that you should stand in the rain without an umbrella and just freeze waiting in hope that the rain stops. You should seek shelter in the meantime and if it starts to flood, then its time to look for a new place to be. It's been raining for more than a year here. There were times when it was drizzling (vacation last December) but the rain has been coming down hard for months and its now flooded.
It is time for me to change. And I have to be the brave one obviously, my husband is doing the rain dance and doesn't know how to stop himself.