EmmyG

I don't know what's wrong with me. I feel like I must be impossible to live with and just a terrible person. I've been trying anything to make my marriage work. I've tried to stop nagging him, I quit asking about AA because I know he thinks it's silly. I quit asking about therapy because I knew he'd always find an excuse not to go. I don't ask him for anything anymore. Every little argument turns into him screaming at me and telling me to "f off" as loud as he can. I can't do anything right for him, ever. He gets especially mad if I bring up that he's slapped me 2-3 times and says I'm a drama queen. He's been drinking at home lately, every couple of weeks, and getting really drink. I've been worried and I probably hover over him trying to make sure he's not going to do it again because I hate it and because he's missed work twice lately.

I've been trying to make it a good christmas, got him and the boys presents and today I baked for the bake sale and we went to our preschooler's christmas show tonight. After we got home and started a fire, he got up and said "I'm nipping out, back in a bit." I kind of panicked and said "where? Are you going to drink?" Because if he was, I wanted to go to my parents'. He started screaming at me, saying he was testing me and I failed, that I'm oppressive and he can't take me anymore. He said probably the only way to get rid of me would be to kill himself. I got really upset, asking how he can be like this to me and what have I done to deserve it. He called me a **** and said he wants to he his own man. He laughed at me when I started sobbing. (The boys are with grandma tonight btw).

I told him he is heartless and he just kept yelling at me to F off. I he said he can't be the man he wants to be with me and with me in his life, that he'll be a better dad if we are divorced. He said I'm not the girl for him.


I work full time, I do all of the cooking/cleaning and taking care of the kids (he does help with the kids sometimes). I don't complain that he's not affectionate. I put up with the yelling. I comfort him when he's a mess. He has zero respect for me. What hurts the most is that after 7 years and two kids, he thinks so little of me that he can treat me this way. I feel like something is seriously wrong with me that I even care what a person like him thinks. But I keep thinking, this person knows me better than anyone, and he can't stand me even after I've stuck by him this long. Am I oppressive because I worry about his drinking? He has a suspended license right now because of drinking, he is a mess when he drinks. What have I done to him to deserve this?


We've been here before, many times. I feel so little confidence. I'm afraid of what my life will be like when we divorce. I don't know what to do. I love my job so much, but I have no support system here (maybe 2 friends), and my family lives two hours away. I don't know what to do, but I'm 32 and I need to be a mom. I've been holding on with a death grip, believing divorce is wrong and bad for my kids. I'm afraid there will be nothing left of me to give if I stay in this. Even now as I write this, I'm thinking "the stuff he says sounds worse on paper. I'm being dramatic. I drive him crazy, maybe I haven't been a good enough wife. Maybe I'm too oppressive." I don't know what I think anymore.

I'm not asking for help. I don't even believe in my own ability to respect myself and get out of here. Any sane person would have left years ago. I just need to calm down because I can't stop crying. He can hurt me so much with his words. What did I do to deserve for this to be my life? I got married too quickly. We had kids too quickly. I wouldn't wish the way I feel right now on anybody.