lizatola

Ok, I'm in one of those places where I can't stop thinking about how I'm going to be broke, living on the streets, and panhandling in 2 years while AH is out living the dream life with all his inheritance money and job income, etc.

I keep wondering if I'm making a big mistake? I am constantly battling the pro/con list in my head and I wrote it all out and I know it makes sense to separate but I have so many fears about not even having a pot to **** in, know what I mean? I haven't worked in 15 years and I'd like to continue homeschooling my son so I'd have to find a flexible job.

All I see is craziness ahead of me. AH met with the realtor yesterday and is going ahead with buying a second home. I told him I was uncomfortable with taking on that kind of debt but that he's an adult and will make his own choices. I told him I just wanted him to know how I feel. I also made reference to the fact that this separation was supposed to be temporary and that I felt a rental should have sufficed.

He claims he's still hanging onto Jesus and still wants us to stay together in this house. Yet, all I see are actions where he is continuing to separate himself from me. He even said that he thought pastoral counseling last week 'went well' considering the circumstances. Seriously?? Went well? I felt like I had an emotional enema and came out of there with my head spinning and he felt like it went well? This man's perceptions are seriously out of whack? He thrives on discord, even when he says he striving for harmony and resolution. Sometimes I think he doesn't even realize he's doing it because it's so ingrained in his personality that he's blind to it.

He has his buddies encouraging him to fight for his family, yet he's not taking any steps to really fix things. Once we had counseling last week, that was it. I am working very hard at finding the truth and staying in reality but I have to admit that sometimes the freak out truck comes my way and I wind up hopping on for a ride around the block. I am really having trouble today.

FYI: I had my tests done on that mass under my armpit and the radiologist found nothing to be concerned about! Hallelujah for that good news. And, of course, AH texted me while I was leaving the breast health center and asked me if I still needed him to pick up our son. Umm, how about asking me what happened or how I'm doing? Nope, he wanted to know if he was free to make plans to play tennis. Then, 15 minutes later he asks me, "How's things going over there?" When I told him that it wasn't cancer and nothing to worry about and that I was relieved, I also told him I could pick our son up, his response was, "Are you sure?" No reference to my ultrasound results or being relieved that I'm OK. Yet, here I sit wondering if I'm doing the right thing and wondering if I should be taking these risks: both financially and emotionally. Yet, what is my alternative?