hi
there are several things that come to mind when i read your post. i am going to list them as i know what it is like to be enmeshed with a alcoholic and verbally say you are separated from them, but emotionally you are not. i did that too.
1. no contact was very helpful to me in order to distance myself and regain a sense of self outside of the sick person (or any person). creating a life that doesn't involve your ex will be very important to help establish friends and routines that do not relate to her in any way.
2. why are you taking your ex to church with you? you might want to reconsider this as she is your ex for a reason.
3. thank god you didn't have children with an active alcoholic. i did not either, but i sure did want to when we were together and for a couple years was upset that we never had kids. THANK GOD we did not have children together. having kids is hard enough, but to do it with someone who lies, drinks and is totally unpredictable...heaven help the kids.
4. this is biology and totally unfair, but you can have kids with a new woman down the road who is not an A no matter old you are. women obviously don't have that luxury as they age, but as a man, if you want kids (i assume by mentioning them in your post you do/did) there are about 1 billion women in this world most of whom are not alcoholics and would like a nice guy.
Now, back to you being on this board. you love your exaw. she is an active alcoholic who wants you but wont quit drinking. you two have divorced and she blames you to other people (that is par for the course btw, they all do that regardless of the circumstances). you are the ONLY voice of reason in this relationship. if you truly want to get off the crazy A train (which i would highly recommend), then YOU are the only one who can make that happen.
I am so sorry you are hurting. time and distance from the A are your allies right now.
hugs