Hi, pals.
Thank you, HeadLump for congrats and kind words. But I havent' been much of a badass today...
Despite of all your great support and advice I overate.. Not a binge, but big overate..
I just feel like my will power battery has died..
I have some work to do on this weekend, but I just couldn't bring myself to do it. I procrastinated putting more and more stress on me.. I can't focus on it because I am totally wiped out mentally. It was like the last straw for me these days.
Jeni, my friend, answering your questions..
What kind of people I am hanging with?
Unfortunately or fortunately, I don't know, I can't avoid interacting wtih people in my daily life, including these real estate issues.
First, my ex.
A little bit of background. Even if the real estate splitting is ok, my share is still hardly enough to buy ANY apartment, so my ex is giving some extra money to buy something proper. And, should be grateful to him..
But interacting with him is still hard. First, I have to get his approval for the flat I am considering to buy. If he believes the price is reasonable, he will give me money. Fair enough. But I am sick and tired of him reminding me how "unpractical" I am, that I am so soft touch and easy to be fooled. That I am not tough enough and unexperienced in bargaining. And so on, and so far.
And every time after talking with him I feel like... idiot or whatever.. Yes, I am terrible at barganing, guilty as charge. Cutting profitable deals is not my cup of tea for sure. And I feel awkward when asking for a price decrease. And it is easier for me to pay higher price than endure tough negotiations. But I am fed up with him telling me this.
And real estate prices incresed during the last year. And he surely thinks he knows everything, but methinks, he has a little bit outdated info about apartment prices now, and still he keeps telling me "it can't cost that much". And I can't say anything to him but swallow my wish to say "f** you" and agree.
Then, for the flat I really liked - that place that doesnt' need any refurbishment, and I am not really eager to spend another half a year with all these renovations, where I can just finally LIVE - it's price is higher higher. Much higher. And I am ready to get a loan if the bank approves it.
But first I have to get my ex's approval. I've procarstinated for two days to call him, because ... I am not eager to hear again the same crap...
Today I finelly did... Yes, I am "insane, it can't cost that much". Ok, that's only that much I can do here...And every time I have awful feeling that I only pretend to be independent, fooling myself, but in reality I have to almost humiliate myself asking my ex for money.
Then I experienced some 'moments" in the Bank while applying for the loan. I know, it's their job to be sure that I will be able to pay out... But they have asked me like a thousand of questions...
Then, my real estate agent, who is a nice lady, suddnely felt like giving me advices about getting married and having kids, and so on. Yeah, that's really what I need right now - that it's hard to find a good man. And when I answered that I am not obsessed with marriage she looked at me as if she didn't believe me. Oh, please!
And, what is more, no one knows what a terrible "issue" stands behind this real estate splitting. Nobody knows what it takes to met my brother. What it takes me to "make a deal" with him and keep my emotions shut while communicating.
And this weekend my head is torn apart between all this, and this work...I just wanted... the mere thought that there's another tough week ahead, and I even can't relax properly.. It was too much...
My emotions are all over the place. One moment I manage to put myself together, next moment I am crying and look into the future in despair, because these chain of problems seems to be endless..
I am scared that even after splitting property I don't know how long it will take to sort out other issues with my brother. And what is more - he will never pay for what he had done to me.
Every time I hear the word "fair" - about splitting some expenses for paperwork or whatever - every cell of me resists to it - I want him to suffer all the way and there can be no "fair" with him.
Every day I am drained out and tomorrow still holds no promise that it will be easier. I know it will be eaiser some day. But, you know, when your phone's battery is dead, it's just dead - and won't wait for some day.
I don't live, and I can't wait any longer for "some day" to start living. I know, I know - it's all about attitude. But it's darn hard to discuss deal with my abuser, and enjoy life at the same time.
Well, that's my rant.
It's about 9 p.m. here, and I have to submit work tomorrow. And I still have a lot to do. And I have no idea where to get power to do it.
See you, pals.