Hang in there hopeful. When I left my AH, 15-16 years ago, or rather when I decided we were over and he had to go to work mandated rehab anyway, so it worked out fine, I was SO done. I had wanted to to make the call forever and didn't. Like you the pattern of repeating did repeat..and for a long time! But when I made up my mind. It was really made up. It. Was over I was done and ther was no urge ever to change my mind, I even tried to months later. He had sobered up but I was beyond going back. Best of luck to you.