lizatola

2 years ago today, my AF(alcoholic father) passed away. He did not die from alcoholism, but his alcohol and cigarette consumption seriously hindered his ability to get well and to fight, the cigarettes definitely affected his circulation and that was a HUGE problem for the last 2 years of his life.

My dad was a jerk at times, he belittled me or made me the brunt of his jokes, he told me (when he was plastered) that I should have been aborted, I ruined his life, etc. He was immature and basically a blob that just sat on the couch and drank. He told me once that he wasn't an alcoholic but a social drinker. I asked how many drinks that meant, and he said, "About 6 or 7." OK, I don't know about most people, but 6 gin and tonics or vodkas on the rocks would put me in a near coma, LOL!

I made peace with him throughout my adult life. I included him in my son's life and welcomed visits from he and his wife, as long as they didn't drink around our son. He abided by my requests and we got along relatively peacefully for the last 12 years until he died. Did I like the man? No. Did I think he was a good role model or a good citizen? No, but I did respect him as my father and I wanted my son to know him figuring they would have a different relationship than I had had with my dad.
One year I was visiting him in NJ with my son, who at the time was 9. We were at the grocery store and my dad was impatient with the lines and all he wanted was a bottle of water, while I was standing in line with a few other things. He tried to steal the bottle of water! Gee, thanks dad, for setting such a great example for your grandson, UGH!

So, now it's been 2 years and I feel nothing. I have moments where I look back at happier memories from time with my dad and I get a bit wistful or teary eyed, but really I don't miss him. I don't mourn him and right now I feel badly about that. I'm sure this will pass, but it's weird how guilt creeps in and your mind tells you that you are dropping the ball.

And, my younger sister is driving me crazy because she's so torn up about this. Her boyfriend called me last night to tell me that she's been depressed about it, throwing guilt on herself about her poor relationship with our dad, etc. I have to remind myself that, at 8 years younger than myself, she had a very different relationship with my dad because he was more active in his alcoholism in her teen years. I know their bond was worse than mine in a sick way. Her stubbornness and his passive aggressiveness never made for a good night in the house. They knew how to push each other's buttons. I was way more submissive than she was so I just shut my mouth and walked away and just did what he asked. Not my sister, she fought him every step of the way.

Anyway, I think I just had to write it all out. I know that there are others here who can relate to the up and down roller coaster emotions of having an alcoholic parent.