I am exhausted tonight. But the only good thing is I am becoming exhausted faster from his baloney and don't get wound up all night fighting with him. I have been behaving healthier lately so maybe this is an indicator of my recovery.. Even though I feel frustrated still from the insanity. Tonight was crazy!! .... and for the first time just shut my phone off from exhaustion not anger.
I am starting to see him more unable to do simple things that never used to be a problem. He is now acting crazy 90% of the time vs. 50% regardless of my changed behavior. Someone please tell me I am sane. I briefly questioned that tonight. This is what happened:
(He has been dying to spend any time with me as I have not seen him due to his behavior, so he did appreciate this invite, and had wanted to meet the night before as well).
Me: do u have plans tonight?
Abf: no plans, just working but I will be finished around 8ish.
Me: ok do u want to get something to eat? We could meet around 930?
Abf: ok. I'll keep u posted.
Me: ok text me around 9. I'm just shopping.
8pm.....
Abf: hey we are gonna have band practice. We just finished working. How are u?
Me: headed home
8:40...
Abf: ok we are gonna jam for a little bit...
Me: so what time were you thinking?
Abf: oh I dunno. We're gonna be here for awhile
. You can come watch if want...
Me: Uhm, ok........
Abf: we are practicing for a gig. No joke!!
Me: no worries. Can u call me for a second?
Abf: yeah but I am actually playing right now.
He calls me immediately. I told him that I re read our texts and I didn't Mis understand anything. I don't mind if he wants to jam out and meet later instead but it would be nice for him to give me a time so I can plan my night. Stuff comes up. I understand and am flexible if he can be considerate and tell me at 8 that we won't be meeting until 10 or so. I could at least shopped another 30 minutes, or stayed at my friend's and snacked.
He told me I am bitching. He was looking at the text we did not have set time for dinner plans. Every night it is something new and I can go complain to some other guy about this. He also told me they really needed him tonight last minute and I was complaining before 930 anyways! And now that I have been bitching for an hour he spent it on the phone with me instead of practicing.. And he told them he has to leave at 930 anyway to meet me. So now his practice is ruined
we talked for a quick exhausting 15 minutes.
He was needless to say abusive and rude.
I lost it and told him I'm tired of this alcoholic behavior. He hung up on me. I said out loud to myself in my kitchen: "sane people do not act this way. This is insanity,," He then texts me: I'm sorry. I'm an a$$hole.
I was furious bc he could not call me back and apologize for hanging up, or even for a "miscommunication." Anything!--Drinking was the underlying issue here I believe and he also is brain damaged and unable to handle keeping plans?...Or I am brain damaged to think we had some in the first place?
I engaged him tonight more than I should have and I felt like a failure somewhat for letting him exhaust me. I was done and had to shut off the phone,shower, meditate, call my therapist.
I have a ton of texts now as I tried to order food delivery .. Ranging from: "I love you I'm sorry we can't see eye to eye."--to----- "you shut off your phone, that is so lame, I hope the next one enjoys that more." THREATS.
. This is the insanity I used to get sucked into by fighting for hours on the phone, him getting drinker, blaming me, hating myself, losing myself. No more.
I didn't order food. My phone is still off. And my birthday is Saturday. I think I'm going away for the weekend. I'm tired and I can't deal with his roller coaster like I used to. And I just wanted to get this out tonight even if it is too long bc I have to tell someone. My main thoughts are just that 1. I KNOW sane people do not act like this, 2. I am recovering and I will stay calm 3. He is sicker and the threats are his "crazy-making."