I have loved this man for most of my adult life, and the final cut feels like it will erase me; I am essentially abandoning a life-long fantasy, and I'm terrified I won't recognize myself without it.
My STBXAH was my high school sweetheart. After some heartbreaking relationships and the birth of my first child, we found each other again and hit it off famously. We both appeared to be two kids who'd had hard times but got our **** together -- this turned out not to be true on either of our parts, but only one of us was willing to finish the marathon, so to speak. I was madly, deeply in love with him. I felt like we understood each other. I overlooked, excused, or argued with a lot of behavior that I shouldn't have because I was so attached to him, and attached to our love story.
There's no timeline on this or set of steps for you to follow. Here's a suggestion:
He texts, or more rarely, calls. Sometimes he's sober, sometimes not. I only respond, never initiate. I will only engage when he's sober.
Even loving messages make me feel like crap; they are hollow, empty words with nothing to back them up. And if we do try to talk about anything real, it usually goes south - blame shifting, denial, minimizing, lying, selfish bullsh**.
Maybe don't engage right away. Set a boundary that you will not respond "in the moment," sober or not. Give yourself time to decide whether it's worth dipping your toe into this particular puddle. When I am contacted by triggery people, I set it aside and give it time, and give myself to space to feel it through before I jump in. A turning point for me was the true, deep, and honest acceptance that he may battle this for the rest of his life, and that I was not equipped, willing, or able to be a front row witness to it in any capacity. Once I got there, that became the overarching decision-maker in my dealings with him.
And when I need a reminder and start to get soft around the edges and miss him a little? I go back through my posts here on SR and relive his lies, abandonment, broken promises, theft, abuse, and coercion, and my confusion, disappointment, sadness, and grief for him and for myself. Sometimes I need to remember that yes, it really was that bad, and that the guy I'm holding on to was mostly a figment of my imagination. The guy in front of me is not capable of doing a single thing I need in a relationship. Not-a one. And I deserve a lot better than that, and I'm ready to try some new things and new people in my life, and some ways of living in which I don't set myself up for disappointment and failure.