spiderqueen

I broke up with ABF last summer. Haven't seen him in over 4 months.

However, he asked that we keep in touch. He texts, or more rarely, calls. Sometimes he's sober, sometimes not. I only respond, never initiate. I will only engage when he's sober. I have remained detached, as I can tell that the same alcoholic/addiction cycle continues. He's not in any kind of treatment or program, not seeking help for his problems, but keeps quacking about how he's doing better/fine and has the support he needs.

Even loving messages make me feel like crap; they are hollow, empty words with nothing to back them up. And if we do try to talk about anything real, it usually goes south - blame shifting, denial, minimizing, lying, selfish bullsh**.

I am stuck in the hallway, folks, and I feel terrible. Still clinging miserably to tattered shreds of hope and connection. I have loved this man for most of my adult life, and the final cut feels like it will erase me; I am essentially abandoning a life-long fantasy, and I'm terrified I won't recognize myself without it.

My birthday is coming up. I need to be reborn as a person without these chains around my heart. I need to live the second half of my life with integrity and self-love. I owe this to me; and also, I wish to be an example of strength, growth and healing to my beautiful daughters.

Please, I need some E,S&H from you all. Thanks for reading.