I've given my qualifier one more chance only to be plagued with constantly wondering if he's had anything to drink. I've asked him if he's been drinking only to feel guilty about pressuring him. In a sick way I've been waiting for him to start drinking again, to fail, so that I can finally get away and stop obsessing about whether we have any kind of chance at all. I've known in my heart that even if he were to stop drinking for a year, I wouldn't ever really trust that he wouldn't drink again. The thought of that is such a turn off!
Tonight, on the phone, I could hear it. I listened for a bit and assessed. He was mentioning his age and how he fights feeling like a loser for not working. He became a tad argumentative and long winded. He was slurring his words. BIG one! He denied drinking initially but I didn't let it go because I knew. There was no fight just acceptance. The last thing I want to do is argue. The funny thing is that I didn't feel anger. I actually felt relief. Relief that I can trust what I know to be true. That my senses were not betraying me and that I no longer have to wonder when a relapse would happen. BTW, is it a relapse if one hasn't actually gone into treatment?
He said he wanted to get back to who he was, that he just wanted to feel normal and I believe that is true. Then we got cut off and he hasn't tried calling again. Better for me, I'm sure.
Just a little rant
Thanks for listening. Please feel free to comment
G.S.