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Old 12-02-2013, 02:19 PM
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LadyWyldOne
Member
 
Join Date: Nov 2013
Location: Toronto, Ontario
Posts: 17
Update - Feeling of "I don't care"

That's a lie. I will never stop caring but a part of me is really trying to. My boyfriend has used twice (that I am aware of) since his promise to stop. Which I knew better than to believe.

My sobriety is suffering as a result. I had a birthday party to attend to, and since I made the decision to not drink my feelings and leave it purely to social events and moderated drinking. That day was different though I was stressed out from all the drama between us. I had been feinding for a drink for a week. So when the night of the party came to I ignored my triggers.

My friend asked if I wanted booze, I had already purchased a six pack of beer which should have been more than enough to enjoy the night. But I got her to get me a mickey. I started taking shots. Of course the end result was a huge fight with each other. This whole thing just ******* sucks. So we had it out all night yelling at each other and me crying ... packing his things up us ending everything .... woke up in the same state. I was covered in bruises I'm not sure where they came from.

I even dosed up on some advil just cause I was stressed. I don't know how much I took but it was enough to cause concern and enough for me to be stoned off my face as a result. Obviously he felt like **** when I did that. We squashed it so to speak, in that we know the circumstances are hard and we know neither of us is perfect but we do love each other and we want to help each other.

The guy shows up late a few days later wasted off his face. I could hear him doing coke and when I confronted him he accused me of trying to start a fight. The next day I came home from work and the bedroom was trashed (not in such a way that things were broken... just looked like he was rummaging through things and was careless about it) the living room was a mess as well but it was as result of a few days going by without it being tidied and his drunk state. There was an empty mickey bottle on the coffee table and he was passed out in the bedroom with his shoes on in an arm chair.

The next day he was acting normal. I went out with my mom after work and ran into him on my way home leaving the bar near our house. I asked him if he had been using and told him I had found a baggie in the living room the day before. He said he wasn't doing it that day to which I clarified I thought he had been using the Tuesday to which he had no response.

He got offered a concert ticket by my brother to see a show he and I had originally planned to go to. He was off the next day so I thought go ahead and have fun. He then calls me at 11:30 saying my brother ditched him and he was leaving. Didn't show up back at the house til 2:30AM. He swears up and down it took him that long to get back ..... I don't even care anymore.

Before he left for the concert he promised me again it was over. No more drug use, no more drinking even he couldn't live like this anymore and he wanted to give me what I deserve. That if I gave him time things would be great for us again. But the festivities of that night.... I went into work the next day and I was just concerned. He was still drunk when we left together, he had to go collect money for a job or something.... I left work early that day. I just had a feeling something was up. I came home and sure enough he was agitated to see me.

I asked him why he seemed so agitated and he told me he was high. He said he felt awful he said all the things I've heard all the addicts say. Not to mention the whole ditching thing was stupid. My brother wouldn't do that. I see that my bf felt that way but he just took it personally. He wanted to spend time with my bro because he loves me... he wanted to bond with him but at the concert the group all split up and he took it personally.

He proceeded to message friends of my brother that morning. So I get a call around 4:30 Friday from my bro saying my other bro (not really biological but close enough) was furious with my bf cause he sent him some text messages.

My bf was with me when this happened and heard my side of the convo saying "I don't know what to say or do I'm in the middle of this an I don't need this stress" he asked me what was wrong and I told him that he apparently msged something and that there was all this beef and drama and stuff. He promised me he'd make it right he apologized to me and said he hated himself for doing this. That he was angry and down and he would do whatever it takes to make it right. So it was all squashed.

I ****** up though. I went through his phone. How do I ******* trust him after all he's put me through? I didn't want to but he had promised me we would hang out and then he fell asleep. I felt rejected. Our intimacy has been so fragile for a long time. I was worried he was being unfaithful. I found a few questionable messages that made it seem like he was up to something. I confronted him in a not-so-sane fashion.... (IE: I woke up him saying he had some explaining to do, when he asked about what I said what the **** else could it be now ? I know about the drugs, I know about the drinking wtf else do you think it is? Wtf else have you been up to) ... we fought about it for a while .... I wanted to leave and stay away for the night but when I began packing my bag he said what was the point of him staying sober if I don't trust him and so on and so forth so I felt I had to stay to make sure he didn't leave.

He said he was going to and I begged him not to. Cause he basically threatened that he was going to use if he left. He stayed. I left him alone for a while and he came out and went through each message I had seen that was questionable and broke them down to me. Do I believe him? I don't know anymore. I never pegged him as a cheater and as I have my own trust issues when it comes to cheating it was rare I didn't see that from someone but I just snapped. Under all the pressure and all the pain from what's going on between us.... Deep down inside.... do I think he's cheating: No. BUT that doesn't mean I trust him. My concerns that he is cheating are twofold 1 being that I'm a crazy person with my own issues, that would expect a man to cheat on me, and would expect to be treated so poorly because I have a low self worth.... and 2. The fact that he's hid soo much from ...

Yesterday was awful. I woke up and he was still mad. He told me how he felt and I really had nothing to say cause I was embarrassed for violating his privacy so much and I wasn't ready to tell him I didn't trust him at all. I eventually told him I was sorry for how I acted and that I know my violation of his privacy was wrong and my way of handling the situation was wrong as well. I didn't speak to whether or not I believed him and I went back to sleep.

I woke up at around 3 PM and he was watching TV I moped around for the "morning" not wanted to do anything or go anywhere and didn't speak to him at all. He eventually told me to smile and said he forgave me. He knew I was still upset. He asked about it. He asked what was wrong I said I was fine. He said he knows I'm not fine. I told him I was tired. He asked if I wanted to talk about it I said no. I went out for dinner... at which I had 4 drinks. Returned home to him asleep.

This morning he woke up early and so did I. He was agitated because waking up sucks when your life is so ******. We are sharing the apartment with 2 other adults creating a lack of space which has us both stressed. He couldn't find anything and I kept waking up and helping him find things. Finally we talked a bit and he was in a better mood.

Now, he's gone to get his things from a buddy's house. The same buddy he's been doing the cocaine with. My roommate said he left at 11AM and it's now 4PM and he hasn't returned home. So I'm left to guess what to expect. In all honesty, the reason I was so quiet yesterday... (and he even said I was walking around like it was the end of the world ...) My faith is shot.

Relationships are ******* hard and I am terrible at them. I have so many of my own issues that need work. Trust issues, self worth issues, body image issues. I always felt it was unfair to burden another person with my problems. Even as myself and my b/f became a couple I told him I was super hesitant because I hated the idea of being a burden on someone. And really I just hate having to trust someone so much. I hate that the excitement that sparks at the beginning of a relationship wears thin and then it's kind of just a routine thing.

I like being alone and I like being independent but I feel love. I love him I do. He loves me too but we are both so messed up. It's so difficult. I don't know any more if I can take much more. I think Saturday was the boot for me. I won't end the relationship but .... I feel like a part of me has given up.

I'm just solely going to focus on myself. It's hard not to be disappointed when he says he's going to do something and does not do it. I have anxiety right now knowing that when I go home he may or not be home and he may or may not be sober. I don't want the anxiety anymore. I don't want to give two ***** anymore. I'm just tired of all this. All I can do is my life. I will not kick him out... I will not abandon him when he's clearly in need. But a part of me is just spent. I'm sick of it all. I don't want the tears or pain. I'm sick of getting my hopes up.. I just don't know. I realize a lot of people think I should just let go but that's just not me. I will when I absolutely have to but right now I simply cannot. So here we go again let's see how this goes.
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