I'm 39 currently spent the last 6years progressivly drinking more untill it became daily. But let me go back a bit first , when I was about 20 I started drinking heavy while in the navy till I was drinking daily at 24 at a certain point I was offered a great job and some how made a decision not to drink I can't really explain how or why I made the decision I just did ? it was pretty simple though my life changed quite a bit. About two years later I started playing chess at a coffe shop eventually AA started meeting up there it seemed as if all they did was talk about not drinking , it seemed they had become addicted to not quitting which to me seemed to be still a state of misary . oddly chess having certain adictive qualities became a "crutch " for many of these people , it is after all , social,stimulating,rewarding and keeps the sub concius as busy as can be ,
fast forward 8 years , totally sober don't even think about alchohal , suddenly I go tru the for what in my reality was the hardest break up possible ? not only do I loose my girlfriend but I loose her family which I had grown to love for the last 3 years. Most of the fault lies on me , though I did not know it at the time ( nor would I know for 3 more years ) I'm in advanced bipolar stages ). regardles I take responsibilty , imediatly after the break up I go into a manic high in wich I do not sleep for 8 days , I go to a er room they give me a seditive and it puts me out for 8 minutes ,
. I contact a good chess friend and a recovering drug user and spiritual mentor , he listens to me explain my sorrow for hurting her and my lonliness , I express how I need just a few hours of escape from this everpresent pain ( at this point it had been 10 days since I had slept ) I said I think I will drink ( I really can't exagerate how emotionally hurting I was for every second of my existance in that period even my fathers death was pailed by this period ) he looked at me and said " it may be a devil you may have to deal with"
two days later I purposefully got drunk , I was very aware of the choice and its future possible consiquinces , fast forward 1 1/2 years drinking on weekends socially making tons of money and start dating a new lady 6 months into the relationship I start feeling odd unexplained pains thru my body at first its intemittent , within two months the pain begins to affect my life for the next year I go in and out of physical therapy . all the while with no relief pain pills don't work (vicoden , perks asprin, oddly ib profren did a tad so did steroids) the only relief was passing out from alchohal and tylonal pm . in 2008 I'm diagnosed with fybromyalgia I'm given cymbalta and the pain vanishes within days . bye this time most of my savings are gone so I'm starting over . ( kinda) in 2011 I'm becoming aware of erattic mood swings in my personality I'm drinking 1/3 days by now though functioning quite well) I see a shrink and we both come to the conclusion I'm bi polar , no suprise to me. I start taking meds and see things differently , though not always in a good way my dreams are almost always unpleasent either some thing of the past I had done or wose existing in a semiconcious state between sleep walking and paralysis ,
within a few months I break up with my girlriend who promptly steals a few thousand from me . the thought of taking her life was something I struggled with for many a night by this time I'm drinking whenever I want , hang overs are horrible , at a very specific time I decide and choose I can drink whenever I want and I do , eight months ago I stop taking my bi polar meds do to lack of money . almost over night the dreams go away and I start forgiving myself for the hurt I caused people ( I never laid hands on any one or anything like that. But I could go into fits of rage , of course I could also go into fits of kindness but those didn't keep me up at night ) last week after spending the last 4 months drunk I some how made a decision not to buy a bottle of gin I had been having to force myself to drink the last month or so and just didn't feel like it . besides I was offered a good job and can see a meaning full future.
Something cleared in my head , I'm not sorowfull for the things I've done I've forgiven myself and believe god has aswell, I still regret things but things like not telling my dad how much I loved him . or taking so long to for give my mother for how she treated me . I'm not going to rush on crushing these ones , I want to rember its important to recognize your feelings towards others .
I'm going to get a lot of flack for this last part but I'm going to put it out there .
I'm thinking about the last time I stoped drinking and how I feel now its over. There may be another time though not any time soon, I don't understand why some people put so much effort into continuing to quite? There comes a time that its over , and I don't even mean to say your moving on to another chapter, to do so would mean that there is causation between your past and present , maybe I'm lucky maybe diferent and certainly undeservingly blessed but I real feal it dosnt have to be the struggle many make it out to be and I'm positive there is a way it can be over quickly .
one last note three years ago my net worth was around 500k now its -30k . I'm not really regretfull of where I'm at , I ve learned so much about me others . the world and everthing else that it was for sure worth the money , granted I don't want to have to miss meals or rake leaves in the cold for $5 a hour anytime soon but then again I'm told I cried when my embilical cord was cut and I've had a lot of good times since
god bless all of you . I hope you find a pit of peace