Tired. Very tired.
I think I may be feeling a little down. Unmotivated is a good word. I am a full time student, worker, and all the other things that makes life busy. In between all of this, my back has been acting up in a bad way. I am waiting for the call from a Neurosurgeon to talk of the next step. I really feel like I live in a very old body, given that I am only 33. Last year, I had a surgery that altered my life for 3 months. That was 3 months of confined to the house recovery, and lack of energy. Three months of exhaustion.
Not to get all dramatic, but I do not think I can endure another surgery so soon. I am aware that I am having the meeting and nothing is set in stone. However, I am also aware that surgery may be my only option considering that nothing else has worked. I am not feeling sorry for myself, but I guess I am feeling like WTF? Can I please just get a break here. If its not me ******* **** up, then it is my body slowly declining. I would like a break. Thank you. (I guess there is a bit of pity in that statement. A bit of not liking what is taking place and resisting the outcome.)
I will not touch base on my mouth sitaution that is better off with avoidance and complete denial.
Sobriety is one day at a time, and I am still walking along this road and feeling the benefits. However, I am tired. Very tired. Very Very tired, and I would like to go to a tropical island and enjoy the water. Drink a fruit drink and enjoy some music. All of that sounds way more interesting than dealing with life right now.
Today, I will be grateful that I have insurance to take care of me. I am grateful that I have coffee. Its only 10:33 am and I feel like I need a nap. I am grateful that I have not tried to numb out any of this life stuff. It just doesnt ******* work anyway.