florence,
i totally get it. i had similar experiences as a child. A family therapist once told me to get the hell away from my family and don't come back. they were all ****** up. i was shocked by this as we had talked to this man when i was a teenager and my dad got remarried. i saw him 20 later as one of my post exa therapists. he told me my family was always screwed up but he couldn't say anything back then.
i am kind of slow at times and need things spelled out for me.
i understand now why i chose an alcoholic partner even though i didn't know about the alcoholism for a long time. the unhealthy and unpredictable dynamics i was familiar with from childhood remained with me as an adult. that crap really has been eye opening for me with respect to almost all my major life choices.
I am with a sweet man now who i love, but don't need. i still watch myself for any hint of repeating patterns, but know that i would leave the moment i saw any of that toxic behavior and i would be totally fine.